it's just so sad...

amp! ngaun na lang ulit ako nakapag-blog! amp talaga!

i feel so out of touch with myLIFE...with my SELF, for that matter.

so for the recap:

1. i lost dale. yes, i did. it feels so sad to acknowledge the fact that i just don't deserve such a wonderful personlike him... :-(
2. dried my eyes and continued to live life (as i don't know it anymore).
3. spending my days with joem, someone whom i love and loves me so much more and yet, at the back of my head, a voice silently affirms: yes, indeed, something's lacking
4. since i made a mess with losing my cellphone believing that my dad's goin' to buy me a new one, i lost touch with people who's supposed to know how i remembered and missed them
5. i'm reaping the awful truth: ang hirap ng walang cellphone! sh*Tty talaga.
6. the only person that makes my soul reach the heavens and feel God's greatness is my sister-- Alexa. she's growing up to be so pretty and witty someday, i know. she's so cute, she calls me "Atiss.." (for "ate tiff"). hehe...
7. Joemar's been such a wonder, an enigma i'm about to fully understand. he shows his affection in such weird, and nevertheless overwhelming, ways. he's just not good at displaying his vulnerability.
8. i could very well say: i AM his vulnerability... hehehe.. it's such sweet rapture to see the defenses of the epitome of masculinity wither with just a look, or a biting word whispered with a wicked smile... hehehe...
9. i have qualms about continuing my so-called 'career' in HF... i'm afraid i may not fully live up to the expectations and demands for i know that there's no way for me but to go up (as always).
10. My dream: the publication of JustPlay2, requires e to go through nightmarish apprehension if i could actually finish the sports mag ontime
11. later today, joem would meet me at the HF ofice and we'd go to Ate Xyl's place. i miss her so much...her and our yosi+starbucks rituals.

++ SH*T! i forgot to bring my capri! darnit!

Some reminders from time to time... amp!

Inspired quotes from Sex in the City...

1. 1. If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.
2. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay. (Yeah, this is absolutely right. if a man really loves you, he'll do anything, whatever it takes to keep you, or take you back.)
3. 2. Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior. (Girls, don't be this stupid. trust me, i've been there, i've done that.)
4. 4. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache. (common sense could help)
5. 6. Don't force an attraction.
6. 7. Never live your life for a man before you find
7. what makes you truly happy.
8. 8. Have faith in God regarding your relationship, but don't let faith
9. make you stupid.God does things decent and in order.
10. 9. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.
11. 10. Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.
12. 12. You really do have to kiss a few frogs before finding the prince.
13. 13. Always put yourself and your happiness first.
14. 15. If he doesn't call, he just isn't that interested.
15. 17. Know when to cut the cord, don't be strung along.
16. 20. There's more than physical abuse, there's emotional and mental
17. abuse.If he causes any of them...flee. (hell, i'll give em hell and abuse them before they abuse me)
18. 21. Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...even if he has more education or in a better job. (i love him, but i'll treat him as my equal)
19. 22. Demand respect and if he can't give it, he can't have you!
20. 23. Don't compete with other woman, but be aware that men are attracted
21. to what they see.
22. 24. If you think he is cheating, he probably is.Confront him right away and if you feel he's lying, let him go.
23. 25. Never rely on a man for compliments, look to yourself for that.
24. 27. If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.
25. 28. Just because he says he loves you, doesn't mean that he won't hurt
26. you and it doesn't mean that you are meant to be with him.
27. 30. Know that you deserve to be the number one person in the life of
28. the #1person in your life. ( i would always make sure of this one)
29. 31. A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.
30. 32. NEVER give more in a relationship than you are getting out of it. (AMEN!)
31. 34. Don't fall for the "I'm not the loving type"...when a man loves you there is nothing in this world
32. (within reason) that he wouldn't do for you. YEah... ;-)
33. 35. Make him miss you sometimes...when a man always know where you are,and you're always readily available to him he takes it for granted. (In my relationship, we ALWAYS miss each other, it's the other way around..)
34. 36. Provide financially for yourself and don't depend on anyone.
35. 37. Never spoil your man; let him spoil you.
36. 38. When it's time to let go; let go.
37. 39. Good men should be treated like good men. (Good men=DALE)
38. 40. Don't play games. (Yeah, i know...)

Instructions for LIFE (from an e-mail)

i should have read all these a week ago...

1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risks.
2. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
3. Follow the three R's:
-Respect for self
-Respect for others
--Responsibility for all your actions.
4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometmes a wonderful stroke of luck.
5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
6. Don't let a little dispute injure a great relationship.
7. When you realize that you've made a mistake, take immediate actions to correct it.
8. Spend some time alone everyday.
9. Open arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and look back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.
12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.
14. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.
15. Be gentle with the earth.
16. Once a year, go someplace you've never seen before.
17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.

i and i

a nice kewl classmate created this one for me, knowing how i love reggae... sweet noh...?

when the circle gets broken

today, i have been going through the whirls and swirls of my currently crazy life. i know i haven't even stopped for a while to clearly see where i'm going (if i'm going back to the path that i ought to take, or still have an extended vacation in my so-called lost-ness.).

as i was walking in circles through the foggy rotonda of my life, JAH suddenly got to me to tell me that i should start thinking about going back to where i should be... dale sent me an sms saying that his ring broke. i mean OUR promise ring got broken. as of now, i still haven't asked him about the details but when i received the news, i touched the silver band around my right ring finger and felt bad that its twin was miles away, struggling to get fixed. could that be a bad sign of the unexpected worse to come?

and i thought the worst was over days ago...

now i know i REALLY should go back to that familiar path and stop being this lost.


i look over my shoulder,
straining my sight to what i passed by
and felt the the trace
of comfort i have eagerly and blindly
left
behind.

i have chosen my champion lifetimes ago
but i went my way and swam in the
murky
waters of
forgetfulness.

i drowned in the word: I
i was deep in the calming waters of my reflections...
so deep in there that
I
forgot
about
you & me...
US.

Now

i'm going back
to where i saw your eyes sparkle,
mirroring mine.

i'm going back
to where i stood up alone
knowing that somewhere unseen
you are standing up for me too.

i'm going back
to that dream where i would share
the beach
the sun
and the songs
with you.

only you.

everyone knows that
if ever
i would
believe in
LOVE,

i would believe in you.

only you.

does he... or doesn't he

i spent most of today ranting and 'almost-whining' about how mixed up my luve-life has been last week. yech!

from the looks of things.. and from the way the people made me finally see those little details i refused to see before.. he really loves me.

and probably, that love is even more than any guy has given me before. of course ang haba haba haba haba ng hair ko, as in!

i like that haba-hair feeling, reminds me of how i felt when i ego-trip. wait, in fact, that haba-hair feeling is a result of my ego-trips. what the hell... okay, i'm egoistic. but at least i make sure my bubble won't burst.

anyone, i'm on the verge of going to him right now, of saying sorry. this thin thread of left-over propriety and this big boulder of pride keeps me from getting out of this room and going to where he is right now.

my mantra: i can't make a fool of myself, i can't make a fool of myself, i can't make a fool of myself...

i hope i have a pack of capri right beside me, and i'm smoking a stick right now. one hand with the stick, the other hand holding--almost hugging-- a caramel frappe with a double shot of espresso.. WOW! that could be as close to heaven as i could be right now, considering the circumstances.

i hope i could survive today without me feeling so sick.

TO HIM:
i hope you;d come. we'll both make things right. i have made mistakes, just like you and for the first time, i am saying sorry to you today.

SH*T! this is me, feeling like almost begging for his attention. i'm so sorry to everyone who knows who i am referring to.. i just found out i can't let him go.

dawdling in my "lost-ness"

whew... it's been quite a long time since this is the only time i have anough time to waste time here.
anyway, last week was quite a blur. dale got angry with me, and i made a lot of people quite mad.
i can't exactly talk about the details online 'coz i know how things like these ruin relationships and reps... hehehehe...

whatever.

a couple of days ago, i felt like an ultimate winner in my personal battle-- vendetta-- against the male species. i made a big macho man cry and sulk and look like a fool in front of everyone. still, i have to count in the fact that i had my share of embarrassment too. but that's beside the point. i just hate it when men make fools of women when in fact, there are more WAY smarter women than dumbass men. yech! why should women end up crying like they lost half of their lives (if not the whole of it) just because they saw their man fondling some lowly slut or twit? i just hate it when i see women crying over some SOB as if they don't know any better. by God, they know a whole lot better. who needs men anyway? they're only good for ego-trips and pampering women. there are even times that they fall short on the latter. but the hell! i could treat men like shit for as long as housewives are plain housewives and some women dream of living in the kitchen, serving her husband submissively hand and foot. shit!

am i ranting or what?

all i really wanted to say earlier was how i felt like i won against the chauvinistic men-babies who brim with nothing but undeserved machismo.

(oh well, with this i could expect seeing myself living out the rest of my life single.. i hope not unhappy, though.)

do i sound bitter, or what?

okay, okay, it only lasted for hours

yes, what i thought as a total reformation from a "bigamist" life turned out to be... uhmmm... poof! nothing... i wasn't able to really stand by the decision. for some reason, losing him that time was like losing something precious, which i first believe he isn't. i remembered walking along the university avenue not looking forward to the end of the day when we'll see each tother. damn... that was the first time in months when i felt awfully alone
Less than ten hours after... i called the herculean knight back. and here he is again.
it's funny coz after all that i've done, he's still the one who apologized for making me choose when he knows i've already chosen someone else long before he came to the picture.. so back to the life, if i could call it that since practically, all i feel is a kind of numbness. if i know what a zombie feels (i mean, doesn't feel.. whatever), maybe this is a bit like it.

my rebirth... [as a so-called monogamist]

As of now, I don't really know if i should be completely happy with this new sense of liberation of being tied to just one ___... i am not really sure if i made the right decision last night when i agreed to break away from _______. last night i was just sad because my Sunshine's sad... now, i'm sad because i know i lost a treasure. but then, maybe it wasn't really mine in to begin with. it wasn't really mine because i didn't concede to be bask solely and completely in its light.
my sunshine's gone... and i hope it's for good. i just can't stand thethoughtthat it's just there, so near, so untouchable in its brightness and its vuonerability towards me.
my sunshine's gone... but then i have the warmth of my Love to hold me close. and that, for me, is enough. or at least i would like to believe so.

sabi, sagutan ko daw eh

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY
1. tiffy
2. langga
3. panyang (eeek!!)

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD
1. dale
2. wisdomweed
3. foxtrot

THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF
1. I'm JAH's child
2. i like the way my mind works and gets dysfunctional at times
3. i'm ME (read: "maarte", veggie lover, book lover, precocious, and a proud woman in every way)

THREE THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF
1. i make things unecessarily complicated
2. i can't play a dang instrument, i suck at singing :-(
3. i have an excess baggage (a HERCULEAN one) ;-)

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE
1. JAH- wherever HE is I'm there... i'm HIS
2. half Cebuana as of now, soon i'll fully be one! hehehe
3. ilongga... malambing!!!

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU
1. bad fashion sense
2. mahuli kalokohan ko
3. a day without coffee
Kidding!
thats-
1. disappointment
2. superficiality
3. being stuck with a disloyal 'other half' for life

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS
1. pilot g-tec, pt.3
2. dale's pics
3. cellphone

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW
1.this pair of red undies
2. hiked up pants from 2-days' worth of 'adventure'
3. 36-b... you know what that is

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE MUSICAL ARTISTS
1.Alanis Morissette-- the angst-ridden one, instead of the pop-ish one she has deteriorated into right now
2. BOB MARLEY
3. Dale Lopez

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS (OF ALL TIME)
1. Is this love-- Bob Marley and the Wailers
2. No woman no cry-- Uncle Bob... i like this better when dale sings this with me
3. I miss you-- dale's version

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS
1. Seduce someone with a bellydance number surrounded by candlelights
2. climb a mountain
3. go to the beach, wear skimpy bikini, show off me belly pierce and be with dale

THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP
1. 'him' and me and JAH
2. LOVE and commitment
3. loyalty and honesty
>>wait, parang marami n yata 'yun... basta

TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE (in no particular order)
1. someone's a hardcore bigamist
2. i don't eat fish except tuna when dale cooks it
3. someone's interested reading my sh*t

THREE THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU
1. attitude
2. eyes
3. smile

>>syempre, plus points 'yung left-handed, marunong-- magaling-- magluto, matangkad, and can sing to me

THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN'T DO
1. rest and have enough sleep
2. stop drinking coffee, as in REALLY stop
3. completely fail the people who love me

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES
1. reading books and everything readable
2. writing
3. starbucks rituals with ate xyl

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW
1. have that ritual with ate xyl (then i'd gladly finish off this pack of Capris)
2. go to wherever Dale is
3. Get out of this mess i'm in

TWO CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING how come this one only comes in two?
1. photographer/journalist for newsweek or national geographic
2. reggae bar owner

>>add ako no. 3

3.investigative journalist/ do documentaries about terrorism, war, poverty, and hunger (esp in african countries and the Phils)

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION TO
1.Jamaica
2.Dumaguete
3.Dale's house by da beach (only i know what this means

THREE CHILDREN'S NAMES
1.Gavin
2.Jamaica
3.Jao

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE
1. Have a family of my own
2. Go on my ideal road trip with the best people in my life
3. write books

THREE WAYS I AM STEREOTYPICALLY A GIRL
1. I'm "maarte"
2. I like making guys wait for me
3. I like being pampered

THREE WAYS I AM STEREOTYPICALLY A BOY
1. I look at women's nice butts (bwahahaha)
2. And if i can, i'd squeeze one!!! (more bwahahahaha)
3. My room's a mess (does this count?)

THREE PEOPLE YOU WOULD LIKE TO TAKE THIS QUIZ
1. Dale
2. Travis
3. Rem2

i collect undies... wehehehe

What Your Underwear Says About You

You buy the sexiest underwear you kind find, and always have something hot on underneath your clothes. You're comfortable in your own skin - and don't care to impress anyone.

The Underwear Oracle

i'd take this test for real if i want to be put in a box

How You Are In Love

You take a while to fall in love with someone. Trust takes time. You tend to give more than take in relationships. You tend to get very attached when you're with someone. You want to see your love all the time. You're secretly hoping your partner will change for you. You stay in love for a long time, even if you aren't loved back. When you fall, you fall hard.

How Are You In Love?

Your Personality Profile

You are sexy, powerful, and bold. You're full of passion and energy... Sometimes this passion has a dark side. You feel most alive when you're seducing someone. You never fail to get someone's attention. Quick minded, you're also quick to lose your temper!

The World's Shortest Personality Test

>>now, i think this one is true... in an eerily freaky sort of way (uh-oh)

How You Life Your Life

You seem to be straight forward, but you keep a lot inside. You tend to avoid confrontation and stay away from sticky situations. You tend to have one best friend you hang with, as opposed to many aquaintences. You tend to dream big, but you worry that your dreams aren't attainable.

How Do You Live Your Life?

Your Ideal Relationship is Marriage

You've dated enough to know what you want. And that's marriage - with the right person. You're serious about settling down some time soon. Even if you haven't met the person you want to get hitched to!

What's Your Ideal Relationship?

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to good manners and elegance. In love, you feel the most alive when everything is uncertain, one moment heaven... the next moment hell. You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring. You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic. Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

>>oh my, is this for real??? naah.. not really, i think

You Are a Chick Rocker!

You're living proof that chicks can rock You're inspired by Joan Jett and the Donnas And when you rock, you rock hard (Plus, you get all the cute guy groupies you want!)

What Kind of Rocker Are You?

Your Seduction Style: Prized Object

The seduction game you play is tried, true, and still effective: hard to get. You know that the best seducers turn the tables - and get their crush to seduce them. The one running has the power, and you're a challenge that is worth the chase. You are a master of enticing and pulling back. Giving a little and taking some away. You are controlled enough to know rewards come after a long seduction dance. Even though you want to call, email, or say "I love you" first - you don't! You're style is the perfect mix of hot and cold - so much so that you have many suitors. Think Holly Golightly from Breakfast at Tiffany's ... or any of those creepy guys from the Bachelor. You're skilled at inspiring a chase. The real test is picking the person to slow down for.

What Kind of Seducer Are You?

>>i think i kinda slowed down already... (for 'him') grr... eeek! corny ko n!

You're an Expert Kisser

You're a kissing pro, but it's all about quality and not quantity You've perfected your kissing technique and can knock anyone's socks off And you're adaptable, giving each partner what they crave When it comes down to it, your kisses are truly unforgettable

What Kind of Kisser Are You?

ah, so that's why... ;-)

Your Personality Is

Idealist (NF) You are a passionate, caring, and unique person. You are good at expressing yourself and sharing your ideals. You are the most compassionate of all types and connect with others easily. Your heart tends to rule you. You can't make decisions without considering feelings. You seek out other empathetic people to befriend. Truth and authenticity matters in your friendships. In love, you give everything you have to relationships. You fall in love easily. At work, you crave personal expression and meaning in your career. With others, you communicate well. You can spend all night talking with someone. As far as your looks go, you've likely taken the time to develop your own personal style. On weekends, you like to be with others. Charity work is also a favorite pastime of yours.

The Three Question Personality Test

You are Agonistic

You're not sure if God exists, and you don't care. For you, there's no true way to figure out the divine. You rather focus on what you can control - your own life. And you tend to resent when others "sell" religion to you.

What's Your Religious Philosophy?