in a whirl of nothings (that are really quite something)

Honestly speaking, the past weeks that i haven't been able to write here seemed like the weeks when i felt quite lost. i felt like so for no apparent reason except for some few ideas that involuntarily pop out and eventually make me sick so i'd rather not think about it right now.
oh well.. oh hell... life felt like hell for me these past weeks. it's like some tumultuous ride, much more dangerous and expectedly unexpectable than my certain classmate's driving. anyway, things have been quite a mess:
1. i haven't the least clue on what i would do with my term paper and it feels like i don't want to care
2. as i think about the term paper deadline that's four days away, i feel more restlessly wanting to rest from the pressure it gives.
3. i know that pressure is a tool for growth; i'm growing but i'm feeling nothing. i feel dead with this kind of growth society conditions me into having
4. i feel lost... and people tell me that the lost better not keep company with another lost coz, well... they'd both end up lost... (duh!) or worse, they'll lose, get loose, lose each other...such losers
5. i started to think what i've been losing with all that i've been doing (which, by the way, is not the same in context with my other statements about the things i do or anything related to it... blah blah...) **i'm talking nonsense, okay**
6. what sucks is i know i've been losing (intentionally or otherwise) the things that are very much more worth keeping...
7. i'm sad 'coz after all and more, i still can't do anything about it
8. i'm just tired and jaded of everything, i think.
9. maybe i want to feel what it is to really lose and fail and disappoint people
10. but doing that would make life worse not only for me
11. so back to zero: i have nothing else to do but to bear what i have to bear then maybe after all these sh*t, i'll be home to my house by the beach...